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Typographical Analysis.

Hello again my humble peons.

It’s once again time for an analysis post, that special kind of post where we pretend prove that there is something even vaguely scientific about this whole process. Today, my focus will be on my work to payoff ratio, just to give you poor workers an idea of just how well this is all working out for me.

Thus far, I have written/displayed for your edification and viewing pleasure, 42 posts including this one. (I have further started writing an additional 2 which are still in draft stages, and which I won’t be holding against you, for which you may consider yourselves lucky.)

In return for my largesse and my contribution to your otherwise meaningless drone lives, I have, from you recieved a grand total of $205. So, grabbing ahold of my technologically superior mathematical modelling suite, let’s do some calculations and look at how much I’ve made per post.

 

 

So, a grand total of $4.88 per post. That’s not too bad, really all things considered. Let’s take a look though, at value for keystroke. In my posts to date, including this post up until this point, I have typed 15,576 words, or 87,036 characters. For your benefit, I’ve chosen not to include my backspacing or use of the arrow keys. You can thank me in donations.

 

So, roughly 2000 keystrokes went into the average post that I’ve made here as part of my Millionaire Project. That sounds about right. So, if we put that in terms of standard length typing words of 5 characters, what would we have per post?

 

So, if we take the things we’ve learned, that means that for every 414.46 words of 5 keystrokes that I type, I have earned $4.88. So let’s take a look at that now, and consider what that means.

 

Giving me a grand total of 1.2 cents for every 5 character word that I type out here, again reminding you that I’m giving you a free pass on backspaces and use of the arrow keys. So, let’s jump back one step and look at what that means for the amount I’m making per keystroke.

 

Wait, so once we look at this with proper rounding, I need at least 5 characters typed to make a single cent? It almost seems not to be worth it. Let’s jump around now, and take a quick look at secretaries. No, not the highly attractive kind that Millionaires like I hire to deal with our typing and letter writing needs… well, actually, yes, exactly that kind, but also the kind of unattractive ones, or worse, male ones, that are more common amongst the poor. The average secretary, according to exclusive sources, earns $50,299 a year, once benefits are taken into account. Let’s assume a lack of public holidays, since they vary from place to place, and assume our secretary is working 51 weeks of the year. Assuming working hours of 9 to 5 (They’d be working hard to make a living) with a hour long lunch break, that gives us:

 

So, our average secretary works 1,785 hours a year for their $50,229, that means that our average secretary is on an hourly rate of:

 

So, approximately $28.14 an hour. That’s not a bad sum, though it does require work. I have it on good authority that the average typing speed requested of secretaries is approximately 73.81 words per minute, which translates to:

 

4,428.6 words per hour. Thank you advanced analysis package. So, this means that for each word, a secretary would get paid:

 

So, 0.6 cents for each standard length word typed. That’s not a lot, but for the final say, let’s cut back to the advanced mathematical modelling suite to compare the average secretary’s rate to my rate.

So, ultimately, your Millionaire wins again, with a grand coup in pay per keystroke over secretaries. I’d like to point out though, that this post has grown massively since the last time I counted the characters, and that we’d best do all we can to keep the ratio skewed in my favour. Best to donate immediately.

In conclusion, I’d like to thank my hardworking mathematical analysis suite for doing all the hard work, and I’d like to make a surprise announcement. Should you, my loyal readers, get the donation total over $500.00, I will personally shell out for the plugin for my analysis suite that allows it to provide output in over 1.6 million colours for your enjoyment. It’s a small sacrifice that I’m willing to make for your enjoyment. Assuming of course that you’re also willing to come to the party. (But not a Millionaire Party, unless you’re also a Millionaire)

– The Millionaire

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A Cunning Ploy.

Hello again Filthy Peasants.

Being the 2nd of April now in several places, I feel I should clear a few things up. Any descriptions of me that would describe me as common are flawed, and you are most certainly not my equal. The suggestion that I find my selfish greed to be a bad thing is clearly a ridiculous one. The $205 will certainly be staying with the most worthy cause known to man, being myself and my Millionaire fund. If these charities want money, they can set up their own Millionaire fund, as long as they pay royalties to me for the idea.

That’s right my readers, you have been had by my sharp Millionaire wit, though it did unfortunately require me to lower myself through use of such descriptive terms as “Commoner”

Many of you will be pleased to note that my goals are indeed to continue pushing forward with this grand plan, not the least of which includes acquiring a platinum plated vehicle, platinum plated expansive estate, and platinum plated manservant.

And if I were to have dancing girls and an Indian man, this would be them.

So, of course, as always, I encourage you to contribute today! What do you get out of it? Nothing but the good feeling associated with helping someone else, and the distinct possiblity that I might show you pictures of my expansive estates, once completed of course, so that you may daydream about one day being half the man I am and owning something similar.

– The Millionaire

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Finality.

Hi, my equals.

Today I’ve decided to give up the ghost. It’s taken the likes of Horg and my anonymous detractor on Formspring to realise it, but this is horribly, horribly wrong. This project has been the very epitome of selfish greedy destruction, the very thing which has our world by the throat and is destroying it for people like you and me. I was petitioning my fellow human beings to help me become the very thing that keeps us down and keeps us poor, and I’m sorry.

The $205 that I have collected so far will be donated to charities. I’m willing to take suggestions at charitable@chipinmillionaire.com – perhaps that money can go to someone who, unlike me, truly needs it.

I’m sorry that I’ve wasted your time and effort. Thank you to Horg and my anonymous detractor for helping me to see that this kind of selfish greed is indeed everything that is wrong with the world, and turn things around on this day, Friday the 1st of April, 2011. I hope now that I can start to make a real difference in the world.

 

– The Commoner.

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A Penthouse Plan

Greetings again, Plebs.

I bring you some news from my Millionaire style department, and it seems that one of my illustrious associates has opted to make over his expensive New York Apartments in a unique manner, as befits a Millionaire. Of course, whether or not his particular style has merit is is not up for debate. The design of course, is quite unbecoming and undistinguished. On the other hand, it does demonstrate his excess wealth and ability to install things for the heck of it.

 

The kind of landing that could only be softened by a large pile of money.

So, in addition to his slide, we also see here that this Millionaire has chosen to display his superior DNA on the wall for all to see, that the poor, should they somehow gain access to his penthouse can see in grandiose detail exactly how he is a better person than they are.

Of course, the grand question here is this, my friends associates readers. Does the fact that it now takes this Millionaire less work to get downstairs make up for the indignity of using the slide itself? Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments section for discussion.

– The Millionaire.

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Millionaire’s Garage Sale

Greetings once again peasants.

I bring you news of the movements of a fellow Millionaire. You may recall some time ago I analysed the style of my fellow Millionaires, and mentioned the stylings of Slash, Lead Millionaire for the Rock and Roll groups Guns and Roses and Velvet Revolver. Well, this particular Millionaire seems to be cleaning out his mansion’s 39 closets and trying to give back to his supporters. He is currently selling a large collection of personal belongings through an auction site. The auction can be found here.

Of particular note and interest to me is this particular item:

One of Slash's many top hats.

A top hat of some renown.

Is a hat that has been worn by a prominent fellow Millionaire greater than a brand new hat, fresh from the hatter? More to the point, is a more expensive used top hat better than a brand new, cheaper top hat? Is the fact that the hat appears to be on a colour-inverted, monocleless version of my own head in this picture a sign that I should purchase it immediately?

These are certainly some things to consider, though I can only hope that the new owner of this top hat, valued at $1,500 at the time of this writing, does not use it to sneak into Millionaire Parties. Of course, this is assuming that a commoner somehow scrapes together the $1,500 and is willing to spend it on a hat, even one as exceptional as this.

Should I purchase this top hat immediately, or should I simply wish my fellow Millionaire the best of luck in his effort to clear more storage space?

-The Millionaire.

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Supporting Your Millionaire

Greetings again Paupers.

It is I, your Millionaire. For once, I do not come to you bearing the gift of the knowledge of the upper class, but come asking you for your assistance. No, for once this isn’t a suggestion that you donate now though that is, as always, welcome. Today I ask for your help with promotion.

Promoting this website is always an issue. One problem is with readers taking me seriously. Many people seem to feel that I am just kidding about this project. Let me set the record straight right now. I am not kidding. I want you to give me your money, in small amounts, to make me a millionaire. The other problem may be with apathy, perhaps people aren’t motivated enough to drive their friends in my direction, but let me ask you this, apathetic person.. do you really hate your friends that much? The final possible problem might be that people don’t find my writings informative, educational and occasionally witty, leading them to leave and never return, certainly not driving traffic in my direction. Surely only the most heartless soul could deprive their friends of my informative, educational and consistently witty writings.

For this project to grow and strengthen, I need fresh faces reading my wisdom and contributing to the cause. Of course, one obvious route is advertising, but that in itself creates a problem of spending the very money I am attempting to earn make. Plus, I feel it is against the very nature of the site to advertise it as though it were some downtown greengrocer (Though I will accept donations of advertising time). No, my friends, this lofty goal will not be achieved by throwing money at it, though as I have learned, this is often a successful solution to any problem. This problem can be solved by you, my loyal readers. How? I’m glad you asked.

 

Love me.

Or at the very least, like me. Facebook is an odd medium. It is one that the Millionaire has been around for some time, and yet the readership of my brilliantly crafted nuggets of wisdom vastly outstrips the number of people who are willing to publicly profess their liking for me.  Unfortunately, to date, Facebook still lacks “Love”, “Adore” and “Bow Down To” buttons, so for now, you will have to make do with liking me. One excellent place to start would be by liking this: http://www.facebook.com/ChipInMillionaire

Liking the official ChipIn Millionaire Facebook group will get you exclusive updates whenever I write something new. Get your wisdom while it’s still hot, or at least lukewarm. Then, once you’ve absorbed my piping hot wisdom fully, remember to like the post announcing it, so that your friends can enjoy a fresh helping as well.

 

Talk about me.

Do your friends know about the ChipIn Millionaire? Why not? Is not my greatness enough to talk about at all times? Are you too lazy to even speak? No wonder you are not as wealthy as I. Take the time during your busy workday to speak with your blue collar colleagues, at these conversations that I have been informed take place at water dispensers. Alternately, take the opportunity to let your friends know about my excellent work in more casual settings, perhaps over dinner you could let them know about my great upcoming post about Millionaire Cuisine, explaining to them in great detail how much better than them I truly am.

Got a lot of friends on Facebook and nowhere else? Don’t fear, even a friendless loser like yourself can support my cause! Make an occasional post, letting your online friends know how awesome I am, and watch them heap praise upon you for your courage and insight. It’s almost like having real friends! (Note: It is not at all like having real friends. I’m just trying to make you feel better.)

Remember, letting your friends and colleagues know about the ChipIn Millionaire is an important public service, and makes you a better person.

 

Link to me.

Got a website? Got a blog? Frequent forums? All of these could be missed opportunities to lend a hand to your friendly neighbourhood Millionaire. In the same way that your money becomes my money when you give it to me, your readers become my readers when they’re reading my posts. Add a link to your website, or e-mail me at millionaire@chipinmillionaire.com to ask for some stylish linking images. I’m more than happy to oblige.

Slow day on your blog? Review one of my articles. (Spoiler.. the article is phenomenal) – Let your readers know exactly how great I am (very).

Don’t let your forum signature drag down your posts any further into poverty! Let the Millionaire add a degree of class, wealth and charm to your online presence. (Note: Linking to my site in your forum signature will not make you more wealthy, classy or charming)

 

Socialise me.

You may have noticed the relatively recent addition of some buttons to the bottom of each post. I’ve added quick buttons that allow you to quickly and easily promote my postings. The buttons allow you to link it to others through Facebook, Twitter, StumbleUpon, Digg, Reddit and of course, Gmail. There’s also an additional button with a  plus on it that allows you to add it to other services that I wasn’t aware people cared about.

If you’re a member of any of those Internet communities and have ever wanted to be considered to be a true hero of that community, a good starting point would be to introduce other people to my work and give them an opportunity to make the world a better place by giving me their money.

 

Comment me.

Become an active participant in the Millionaire process. Give me your thoughts! I’m happy to discuss things with you in the comments on my post or on Formspring. If you want clarification on anything I’ve said, in case your lower class mind has not fully understood it, feel free to ask. If you just want to discuss what I’ve raised, feel free to discuss it. Perhaps some open discussion will make everyone feel more at home and help me target my wisdom towards your specific needs.

Remember, unless you tell me, I don’t know why my life is better than yours. At least, not in exact details. Obviously it is when talking in general terms.

 

Signpost me.

Ever wanted a good excuse to stick an advertising poster up in a very public place? Well, now you have one! I am offering you, my very dear friends, a limited, exclusive offer. You can, without charge, print any of the following posters and place them in public areas for public viewing and approval. Decorate those walls that you’re stuck looking at every day with my shining visage, making the world a brighter, albeit less colourful place.

Feel free to select any of these fine images for your wall!

(Click for full size.)

 

Ultimately, wit or lack thereof aside, this site lives or dies on your support. If you’re enjoying what I’m doing, support it. It’s up to you how you support it, but there’s one underlying truth to remember.

The more people you introduce to my site, the less money you personally need to give me. I’m just trying to look out for your finances here, friend.

– The Millionaire

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Contributor Interview #5 – Elnorah

Welcome back to the Contributor Interview series, my adoring public! This week, I interview the 15th contributor to my Millionaire fund and the first female contributor. No, concerned reader, I do not risk a work overload by interviewing two people at once, for they are the same contributor! This is a donor who also has the distinction of being the highest paying contributor to date. (Note: This does not mean she has an unbeatable donation. I welcome all attempts to outdo it.)

My interviewee this week attempted to match Sigfried and Benjamin by doubling the contributions that had been made. Unfortunately the donation fell slightly short, though at the same time making it much harder for anyone to duplicate this feat. (Please though, do try)

Millionaire:

Greetings to you, my newest contributor! By what name would you like my readers to know you?

Elnorah:

Elnorah.

Millionaire:

Greetings Elnorah. Welcome to your interview. To start, would you be willing to share the amount you donated with my faithful followers?

Elnorah:

$95

Millionaire:

This vast sum of course makes you the greatest donator to the cause to date. How do you feel about being the greatest of all my readers?

Elnorah:

I’m glad it is going to a worthy cause. I’m not used to having any money so I didn’t really know what to do with it. I felt that you would be able spend it well.

Millionaire:

It’s good to know that in these trying economic times, there is still a source of inspiration to the poverty stricken. What did you have planned for that $95, had you not contributed it to such a worthy cause?

Elnorah:

Well, I won it in a very unlikely bet against a drunken pirate so I really hadn’t made any plans for the money. I guess I could have bought some food or clothing, perhaps even a new box to live in.

Millionaire:

Well, surely the essentials of life cannot compare to the satisfaction of a job well done. What was it that made you decide to contribute to such a worthy cause?

Elnorah:

As well as seeing you as a worthy cause, there was a little selfishness. I hope that you may remember me when you become a millionaire and that one day I may be given the privilege to work for you and possibly given refuge in the stables if I am evicted from my cardboard box.

Millionaire:

I’m sure I can organise a pile of hay somewhere for you to crawl into from time to time, should you work a little harder than my other staff. Aside from your wages, what would you like to see your part of my million dollars helping to purchase? (Please note that any answers are neither legally binding nor anything more than a mild suggestion on your part.)

Elnorah:

I would love for you to hold your own parade so that we commoners may see you and enjoy the glory that a parade would give.

Millionaire:

A personal parade sounds like an excessive and extravagant expense. I like it. If you were an individual of my stature, and were lucky enough to have your own million dollars, what would you spend it on?

Elnorah:

I have never considered this as $1 is a luxurious amount to me but I guess I could spend it on a big classy cardboard box, or maybe even a plastic or wooden box.

Millionaire:

It’s always good to have a range of options, especially with so much money at your disposal and an inability to accurately use the word ‘classy’. Unfortunately for you, however, you are not a Millionaire. What can you tell me about the ways of commoners like yourself?

Elnorah:

If not for the wealthy like yourself, my world would be a dreary one. I spend most of my days begging and searching for food and waiting for rats to be hit by cars so that I may have a fresh meal. I’ve been very lucky today, a truck ran over a feral tabby today – thats enough for a feast with friends.

Millionaire:

Or, if cooked properly, enough supplies for several weeks for one such as yourself, I imagine. Having shared your common ways and money with me, I am willing to grant you a small boon and offer you the opportunity to ask me one question. What would you ask?

Elnorah:

I have heard this amazing sound in my neighbourhood and someone has informed me it is something called a ‘Euphonium’. Do you know what a Euphonium is?

Millionaire:

No. It sounds uncultured.

That concludes today’s Interview. I’d like to thank Elnorah for joining us today, and again for willingly parting with what was surely a small fortune for her. Remember folks, no matter how hard things may seem, you can always give me your money.

I hope you all enjoyed another look into the mundane life of my readers. We hope to soon return you to our regular programming of Millionaire grandeur, allowing you to escape such mundanity.

If have a slice of pseudo-fame attached to my pseudo-fame sounds appealing, remember to get a contributor interview, you must first be a contributor. To my existing contributors: If you haven’t been interviewed yet, let me know and we’ll organise one. To my non-contributing readers leeches: Donate already! How much time do you need to think about it?

– The Millionaire.

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Question Time

Greetings again, labourers.

I come bearing some excellent news. Your humble Millionaire is now sharing my grand wisdom at Formspring.me in an attempt to better understand the questions you have regarding Millionaires. Should you wish to ask me a question, you can do so by visiting the following website: www.formspring.me/ChipMillionaire

Of course, should you have a Formspring account, I would recommend following me, as you never know when you might miss a key piece of wisdom. Specifically, that one piece that so enriches your life that you never look at things the same way again. This happens quite frequently to people reading my writings.

In the event that you’re exceptionally lucky, I may choose to interact with you directly, potentially asking you a question in return, though it would be an exceptional and lucky lower class Formspringer that earned even a slight portion of my exceptionally valuable time.

Furthermore, should you feel a burning desire to have a question answered, feel free to ask it. You may even ask Anonymously, should you choose to be a coward. I’ll do my best to answer every question I get from you, my loyal public and ardent supporters.

Please be sure to give me the rousing welcome to Formspring that someone of my stature truly deserves and remember, until next time, give me your money.

– The Millionaire

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Another Theft

Hello again blue collar workers of the world.

It is with heavy heart that once again I, your beloved Millionaire come to you to speak of a crime perpetrated against my person. For some reason, it seems that those who are less fortunate feel the need to strike out at those of us who have made something of ourselves, even if we haven’t yet actually done that very thing. In this case, I am sorry to say, a blow has been struck against Millionaire Style. Recently, while gracing a group of non-Millionaire associates with a rare glimpse of my person, one of them maliciously absconded with my footwear, leaving me only his own, non-Millionaire footwear in its place.

I can only assume that the person in question is a regular reader of my Millionaire writings, and that indeed he has learned many things about Millionaire style from me. This, however, is no excuse for such rampant jealousy. Millionaire style must be earned, whether it be through hard work, soft work, or just plain begging. Indeed, stealing the trappings of a Millionaire lifestyle does not make one a Millionaire. It makes one a thief. Investigations into the fate of my hard-earned footwear is ongoing and the perpetrator is believed to have fled interstate with his ill-gained bounty. I am at present confident that we shall apprehend the culprit and return my shoes safely, while returning the plebian shoes to said culprit, presumably so he can wear them in his extended stay at the local penitentiary.

 

The Masked Shoe Bandit poses with the spoils of several heists.

 

As yet, no demands have been made by this dastardly fiend for the safe return of my shoes.

– The Millionaire

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Millionaire Vacations

Greetings once again peons.

As I declared last time, in this post I will bring you a gift of knowledge, because that’s the kind of benevolent millionaire I am. As those who have read the aforementioned previous post should well know, my time between postings has been spent investigating Millionaire leisure time in great detail, going so far as to research the topic personally, which is exactly the kind of selfless act I am willing to put myself through in order to help you get a taste of the Millionaire life. You may thank me in donations, fair reader. As my research has now been completed, I can now explain the ins and outs of Holidaying like a Millionaire.

Above all, there is one very basic piece of information that even commoners like yourselves can understand about Millionaire Travel, and that can be summed up with my first incredible, stupifyingly outstanding heading.

 

Beaches.

There is something enthralling about the beach, and no Millionaire vacation is complete without a visit to one. Whether it be the luxury of a 5 star resort with a private beach or the rustic experience of roughing it at a 4.5 star resort with a private beach, Millionaires enjoy the sand and the surf. This enjoyment exists so long as the surf contains no surf whatsoever and is as flat and peaceful as glass because frankly, it looks better that way. The beach offers the Millionaire a chance to unwind and watch the sunset from ground level, a novelty for Millionaires, who traditionally watch such things from balconies, high above their expansive estates. It also provides a unique opportunity to demand drinks from wait staff, forcing them to trudge through sand to deliver. This is a feat normally impossible without several bulldozer loads of sand being dumped on a well-maintained courtyard garden, something which is inadvisable at best.

 

Millionaires Partying on a Beach

Millionaires enjoying a Millionaire Beach Party

 

When selecting a beach, often the Millionaire finds it difficult to decide on the best option. In some such cases, the Millionaire may delegate to a personal assistant, but in the event that they do not do this, the Millionaire always has one further option available:

 

Private Islands.

The private island is the best of many worlds in one distinct package. Many beaches, complete isolation, and in some cases, being far enough into international waters to safely ignore child labour laws. For a Millionaire, this serves the double benefit of adding extra workers to the holiday home mansion by inviting staff to bring their children along when you travel. Of course, they will just expect that their Millionaire is being giving and caring, and for employee morale purposes alone, that’s something that’s always good.

 

Millionaires: Offering young people valuable employment experience

 

Even in the event that a private island isn’t located in international waters, the solitude alone is reason enough for the Millionaire to consider one. Being surrounded by beaches, none of which have any commoners on them is always a great boon, leaving the Millionaire spoiled for choice, but when one truly wants to show off one’s Millions and be truly extravagant, there’s only one way to do it.

 

A Casino

The Casino, no matter the location is an excellent place for a Millionaire to spend some rest time and demonstrate exactly how wealthy he truly is.  Unfortunately, this path does require some commoners, but as their sole purpose in being nearby is to observe the Millionaire’s excessive and exceptional wealth, it can be overlooked. Unlike plebeians, Millionaire can easily afford food and thus do not need to reserve money to feed their unemployed children. Millionaires are always able to take another run at the Blackjack table, no matter how much they lost on the previous run.

 

James Bond, attempting to pose as a Millionaire despite lacking a Top Hat.

Of course, superior to a stay at a single casino is a stay at a whole casino town such as Las Vegas, which enables the Millionaire to demonstrate their tremendous wealth to a new audience each night, not allowing the performance to get stale and old, or allow unbridled jealousy to turn into violent outbursts, which tends to take a toll on one’s bodyguards. Of course, most Casino locations are far from beaches, which in itself is a great issue for the Millionaire traveller.

 

Private Yacht

Of course, one true mark of excess is the private yacht. Nothing truly says “I have too much money” like floating your private mansion across international waters. Like the private island, this has the major advantage of avoiding some child labour laws, lending the experience an extra level of servitude. In addition, the Yacht can dock at any number of beaches, depending on where you are, making every holiday a beach holiday, while still bringing your vast mansion along.

Ultimately though, the downside of the Private Yacht is that in order to float, some consideration must be given to the mass of the yacht, meaning that the Millionaire cannot bring a full mansion and must make do with the ridiculously tiny mini-mansion that the yacht can offer.

 

I feel claustrophobic just looking at it.

 

This brings to an end our enthralling look at a wide range of possible Millionaire Vacations, though there’s always more to discuss. It’s important to note that you can fund my research, by throwing a few dollars into my ChipIn Box on the right hand side. It doesn’t just help me! It helps you! To feel good about yourself! For helping me!

– The Millionaire.

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