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Fitting In

Greetings again my very, very generous friends.

I write to you today of the trouble I shall face once I have become a millionaire. Of course, being a millionaire, I will need to reduce my association with non-millionaires and enjoy all that life has to offer at millionaire parties. The problem comes when you consider fitting in. As a newly raised millionaire, I will need to purchase several things. This post discusses the most important of all, the Top Hat. I don’t presently own a top hat, which will need to be rectified if I’m to have any chance of fitting in with my new millionaire pals. Of course, this begs the question which no doubt has been asked of many a hatter across the years, “What kind of top hat would be appropriate for a millionaire who made his million by sitting on the Internet while a large number of other people give him inconsequential amounts of money?” – A good question, in and of itself, but let’s try and put an answer to it.

First, we should analyse the style of my new millionaire friends.

Hugh Jackman, millionaire, lounging around the house.

Fred, demonstrating clear millionaire style.

Slash is always prepared for a spontaneous millionaire party.

Some gentlemen at a recent millionaire party.

This dog is clearly a millionaire.

People in very expensive bejewelled top hats.

The style is quite clear and remarkable. Of course, this brings us back to our original question. What kind of top hat is right for me?

There are a wide variety of top hat styles out there for the discerning millionaire such as myself, but the object here is to fit in, so how can one best buy a top hat to fit in at millionaire parties? Then it struck me. The most expensive top hat in the world.

Lincoln's Top Hat

Lincoln knew what to wear to fit in.

Abraham Lincoln’s top hat is the clear choice for the discerning millionaire. This however, raised some problems. It would be fairly expensive, if it could be purchased at all, probably in excess of the million dollars. Perhaps being a millionaire is a bit of a waste of time if you’re going to spend the whole million on a single hat so as to better fit in with other millionaires. Surely there are better uses for my million than a single hat. Secondly, a yellow hat would clash with my hair. Classy choice of headgear, Lincoln, pity you had no eye for colour.

So, what other options existed? Many, it seemed, just some of which I’ve included below.

The array of choices befuddled me. Felt or Satin? Short or Tall? Collapsible or Non-Collapsible? Ancient, Unobtainable and Unaffordable or Brand New and Shiny? To tell the truth, it’s all still up in the air. I’m currently however leaning towards a Satin collapsible hat, the clear choice of both millionaires and people who want to be cool by flicking their hat out. But hey, let’s open it up for discussion. What style of top hat would you wear, if you were in my exceptionally enviable position? What style of top hat do you think I should wear when partying with my millionaire buddies?

– The Millionaire.

6 Comments

  1. Cody says:

    You should totally get a collapsible one. You never know when a Millionaire party can occur on short notice.

  2. I had considered that, however I could opt for felt and take the Slash route of wearing the hat regularly. This would have the added benefit of reminding those around me that I am, in fact, a Millionaire.

  3. Vi says:

    The one danger of a collapsible top hat is that it can, over time, gradually sink in a manner that appears unkempt. Slovenly. A billionaire may have the leeway to appear as scrubby as possible, however a millionaire should always be dressed tastefully. This includes a top hat which, much like the millionaire’s pride, does not buckle over time.

    Would you stroll about with a diamond tipped cane as well?

  4. Bolty says:

    I agree with Vi on this one, the collapsible Top Hat may just decide to sink at the wrong moment, which would be a terrible faux pas.

  5. Spammer says:

    belief for your amazing post!

    1. Hello Plebe.

      I appreciate you believing my post, as it is entirely composed of factual information. Had you not believed it, then the fault would lie with your inability to comprehend even the simplest concepts of upper class life.

      The Millionaire.

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