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Fitting In – Part 2.

Greetings uncultured swine.

It is I, your Millionaire once again bringing you all the latest style information from the upper echelons of society. In this iteration, I bring something to keep your hands engaged. I bring you something to be held with a Millionaire’s iron grip. A tool to allow your hands to look distinguished at all times, rather than flopping at your sides idly. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you…

A Cane.

A cane is a symbol of power and respectability. A cane is an absolute necessity at Millionaire parties. It indicates that an individual is wealthy enough to ensure that their upper body does not need to be supported by their own legs, purchasing a surrogate leg to put in the effort. In addition to wealth, it conveys upon the Millionaire the higher stature that comes with power, allowing the Cane-Bearing Millionaire to rise above other Millionaires – no small feat. It also ensures that one hand is free to partake of both food and beverages that are offered at such parties. So, with the wide range of canes available and the wide range of styles available, let us again ask the question that has been asked of every canier since the day he took up his trade –  “What manner of cane is appropriate for a Millionaire who made his money by doing nothing on the Internet?”

Let’s start with a quick analysis of cane fashion and the power that each cane represents.


Gentleman with a cane

This gentleman's cane almost makes up for his moustache.

Rihanna with a Cane

Despite a lack of talent, Rihanna is made powerful by her cane.

Dr. House and Cane

Wielding a cane gave this man the ability to wield power over life, death and lupus.

Dom Deluise vs. Cane

Dom Deluise, terrified of the power of a cane.

Holmes and Watson

Holmes must have a good eye for blackmail as well, to have such a wealthy and powerful man as a lackey.

Huggy Bear and Cane

This gentleman's cane gives him power on the streets.

Charles and Cane

The future King of England demonstrates his faaaahbulous taste in canes.


There you have a wide, wide selection of canes, my dear readers. Of course, I have not yet touched on one major cane issue. The one issue that keeps many cane owners up at night. Is it acceptable to use an umbrella as a cane? Of course, the answer is no, so it isn’t the question that keeps cane owners up so much as the sheer audacity of these pretenders who carry an umbrella as though it were a cane. Carrying an umbrella as a cane is a clear sign of poverty. While these umbrella-walking upstarts may indeed be powerful, the fact that their cane needs to perform a useful function indicates a lack of disposable income with which to purchase items with limited purpose.


A pretender with a newspaper

That this gentleman requires another person to pitch in to buy a newspaper is evidence even more damning than his umbrella cane and inferior hat.

Man on an umbrella

Being able to stand on one's cane does not, contrary to commoner opinion, confer greater power. Especially if that cane is an umbrella.

John Steed with an Umbrella Cane

John Steed's dapper look is brought low by his commoner's cane and plebeian hat.


The conclusion is clear. The pictures craft a telling image of the power, style and class of a cane, juxtaposed with the clear minimal effort required for an umbrella cane. Both may confer power on the wielder, but one denotes class, style and wealth. The other indicates a pretender. One who wields some amount of power, but cannot turn that power into wealth and acceptance. Someone who will never become a Millionaire. Of course, this is just my analysis of the situation, but it is also the accepted view amongst Millionaires, and thus correct. It was settled, as all major world issues are, in true Millionaire fashion.


Cane Duel!

A duel, sir.


Until next time then readers, remember: Give me your money or I will beat you with my cane.

– The Millionaire


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