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Merry Christmas

Season’s greetings to you underlings.

It is again that time of year where trees are murdered and houses are draped in foil, crystals and lighting in a desperate attempt to make your lower class lives seem that much more lavish and extravagant. Your houses turn into grotesque mockeries of Millionaire Estates, while mine briefly and in full defiance of the laws of opulence somehow become grander. In celebrating Christmas, I can begrudgingly admit that we are somewhat similar in that we both murder trees, (though mine are somewhat grander of course) and in that we eat copious amounts (though again, I hardly call what you consume food.)

 

Solid Gold Christmas Tree

The only thing better than killing a tree to improve the aesthetic of your manor is purchasing one made of solid gold. Preferably from the gold teeth of orphans.

 

In honour of this, I bring to you a short post, with the wish that your poverty stricken Christmas has been everything that your meager, lower class minds have wished for. If not, please do not forward your complaints to my office. Of course, should you have received cash gifts for which you have no use, please feel free to donate those gifts to my highly unworthy cause. In the event that you’re searching for a meaningful last minute gift for a loved one, consider making a donation in that person’s name to a very worthy cause. Of course if you’re having trouble deciding which cause of the many worthy ones out there to support, I’ll be accepting donations.

Of course, as with all donations, your loved one will undoubtedly need proof that you have contributed to my cause in their name. Where many causes will offer nothing more than a card or generic “Thank you” note, I, generous Millionaire that I am, offer with all donations until the new year a personalised email for the loved one you are donating on behalf of. Simply send me an email with your loved one’s email address and I will personally dictate a letter from myself thanking them for their contribution to my cause. If this is a successful drive, I may continue this for future holidays.

Remember, if you need a last minute gift, give the most thoughtless gift of all, me.

( If desired, you may also donate on your own behalf )

(( And yes, the Butler post is still coming ))

– The Millionaire

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Incompetence in the Ranks

Greetings again, potential hirelings.

I come to you with a grave story, an unthinkable one. My ever-faithful diminutive manservant, the frequently mentioned Rodney has failed me. I’m not going to invoke the cliche here and declare that he has failed me for the final time, but I must admit that he’s getting pretty close. So, I’m sure this line of thinking has managed to whet your appetite, and the obvious question is lurking at the front of your head already.  I’ve told you a million times how to donate though, there’s a link on the right. Your next question of course relates to Rodney’s faux pas. So, what did Rodney do that was so offensive? Of course, he was derelict in his fifth most important duty. He was negligent in reminding me to share my infinite Millionaire wisdom with you all.

So, what is to be done about an incompetent employee. Perhaps he should be retained? Perhaps he should be replaced? Perhaps I should create a tacky “Save Rodney” fanpage for him on Facebook as a publicity stunt to merely draw attention back to my own efforts as a Millionaire? Perhaps I should follow the lead of my colleagues in China and Russia and begin looking for my hires overseas, in England. It makes perfect sense. Britain delivers the finest butlers known to man.

 

Alfred Pennyworth

Case Closed

 

The real question here is should Rodney be replaced with one of these fine butlers from the Guild of Professional English Butlers ( GPEB – pronounced gepebh) or should I simply send him to England for further training? It has been a soul searching question and one to which I have not yet found an answer. Perhaps I should send him for retraining immediately. The GPEB seem reputable. The head of the company certainly has a good name for a butler. Robert Watson sounds perfect for a butler. Certainly superior to Rodney. Before I leave you with further evidence, I leave you with a question. Should Rodney be fired for his incompetence, or merely retrained? If you offer your opinions, they may be considered, if I am feeling particularly charitable.

Jeeves

The disapproving look is important when turning away unwanted guests.

G

This butler can be seen praising a higher power, specifically his Millionaire.

This butler demonstrates one the tools of his trade. A well trained English Butler can kill an armed assailant with but a simple feather duster.

 

The English butler is clearly in the lead in desired butler qualities, but what makes a good butler? Stay tuned for the next part where I examine exactly what qualities I seek in this most important of all my staff, the Butler. And woe betide Rodney if the article goes unwritten.

– The Millionaire

A Triumphant Return Part II – Millionaire Ascendant

Greetings once again, paupers of all stripes.

How you have managed to endure without my attentions for so long continues to perplex and amaze me. Lesser beings such as yourselves are not known for your ability to cope with a lack of authority without devolving into some form of moneyless anarchistic state.

But, as the title does indeed state, I have returned to lavish my attentions upon you and fulfil a range of promises. I bring to you Christmas Joy, a large slew of stories ripe for publishing. Those amongst you who have been good will find your stocking filled with my infinite, superior wisdom. Those less good will find themselves clawing in desperation for any hint of understanding of the true Millionaire lifestyle. I have a range of topics with which I will enlighten you, but don’t forget that as I am contributing to your increasing knowledge, I need your contributions to fuel my Millionaire fund. Every little bit helps.

It is of no small coincidence that according to the Sumerian Calendar, today is the day of the Rising Millionaire. Today I return to grace you again with my presence and take my true place amongst my fellows. At this point, I once again leave you but to further whet your appetite I leave you of this taste of the new dawn, a welcome to this era of the Millionaire. Know that this time, my return is nigh.

 

Be Prepared.

 

– The Millionaire

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Poor use of a Million Dollars – Volume II

Greetings once again underlings.

I come to you to bring you a story of great woe which has befallen one of my brethren. Before I continue too far, however, I should point out that the title of this post, while in keeping with the title of the previous post on this topic, is not entirely true. You see, in this case, I speak of a poor use of half a Million dollars.

I read the tale of a local Millionaire recently, a man who had made his Millions in the mining industry, who is just now turning his Millionaire’s eye for power to all sporting teams in the region. This man, in his grand misfortune, left his house unlocked, allowing some local thieves to make huge leaps in their ability to donate to my cause. These thieves successfully made off with wrist watches, laptops and a digital camera. They also took a 2010 Ferrari California convertible, valued at approximately $500,000.

Ferrari California

Valued at: More than your house.

 

Fortunately, Mr. Tinkler’s exceptionally valuable car was recovered, leaving the thieves unable to contribute further to my Millionaire fund. In an unfortunate twist for my cause, it also limited Mr. Tinker’s ability to contribute to my cause.

 

Burned out Ferrari California

Despite not being a certified car valuation expert, it is apparent to me that there has been a decrease in value here.

 

Ultimately, I can’t honestly say that this has been an effective use of money, though to pass up a $500,000 car, the car thieves themselves are clearly a gang of joyriding Millionaires, set on displaying their largesse in an exceptional manner. Police are currently on the lookout for people wearing top hats. I would like to take this opportunity to publicly declare my innocence.

– The Millionaire

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A Close Shave

Greetings once again, lowlings.

It is I, once again, your Millionaire, bidding you good day. And how, I hear you ask, can one ensure that it is a good day? Well, my friends readers it’s quite simple. There are three simple steps, which I am happy to enlighten you on.

  1. Be a Millionaire
  2. ???
  3. Good Day.

Hopefully, I haven’t lost you anywhere. I understand that it gets quite complex, especially for those with a pauper’s education. It’s really quite simple. With Millionairehood comes access to the greatest life has to offer, and friend non-donating, advertising acquaintance of the Millionaire, Mr. &, has brought to my attention one of the greatest things life has to offer. It is fantastic. It is amazing.

It is the most infinitely impressive razor that humankind has to offer.

Truly, the razor of a Millionaire

Finally, a device has come along that allows even the finest man to get a shave to match his station. Formerly, one had to content oneself with paying plebs for a shave, ensuring their continued servitude to the Millionaire’s facial hair status. This servitude, while creating a sense of power, still involved the same grotesque, perverse tools that touched the faces of lesser men. Now, no longer, thanks to Zafirro.

The Zafirro Iridium is made of 99.95% pure iridium, allegedly one of the three rarest metals on earth. The blades are nanotechnologically forged sapphires, while the screws to hold the unit together are no less than 99.95% pure platinum. The sheer audacity of using things that lesser humans would consider to be beautiful adornments as shaver blades and as screws clearly indicates the manufacturer’s intent to draw a Millionaire audience.  And draw such an audience, it has.

Millionaires are no doubt flocking to Zafirro to pick up these devices, though only 99 have been made, each individually numbered, for each is truly a work of art. The ability to cast a knowing smile at the poor wearing inferior jewels, knowing all the time that your razor’s screws contain more platinum than their ring and that what they consider to be a precious gem is the same thing that you use to scrape your face clean of stubble, is without price. Indeed, it is priceless. Of course, the razor itself does have a price. One that, while inviting to a Millionaire, is perfectly out of reach of the common man.

This razor will cost you $100,000 USD.

No Millionaire in their right mind would be caught dead with a razor made from mere terrestrial metals.

Yes. That’s right. One hundred thousand dollars. Or, in more perfect terms, 10% of a Million Dollars. Truly, this is the realm of a Millionaire, and one that presently, I can only aspire to. That’s why I need your help, my loyal supporters. If I’m to purchase this razor before supplies run out, we need to improve my donation rate drastically. If you’ve been holding off on telling your friends to contribute, or holding off on donating yourself, don’t delay. Every day you wait makes it more likely that I’ll miss out on this true example of Millionaire Style.

After all, only a true Millionaire can say that his razor holds more value than the average used car lot.

– The Millionaire

 

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Fitting In – Part 2.

Greetings uncultured swine.

It is I, your Millionaire once again bringing you all the latest style information from the upper echelons of society. In this iteration, I bring something to keep your hands engaged. I bring you something to be held with a Millionaire’s iron grip. A tool to allow your hands to look distinguished at all times, rather than flopping at your sides idly. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you…

A Cane.

A cane is a symbol of power and respectability. A cane is an absolute necessity at Millionaire parties. It indicates that an individual is wealthy enough to ensure that their upper body does not need to be supported by their own legs, purchasing a surrogate leg to put in the effort. In addition to wealth, it conveys upon the Millionaire the higher stature that comes with power, allowing the Cane-Bearing Millionaire to rise above other Millionaires – no small feat. It also ensures that one hand is free to partake of both food and beverages that are offered at such parties. So, with the wide range of canes available and the wide range of styles available, let us again ask the question that has been asked of every canier since the day he took up his trade –  “What manner of cane is appropriate for a Millionaire who made his money by doing nothing on the Internet?”

Let’s start with a quick analysis of cane fashion and the power that each cane represents.

 

Gentleman with a cane

This gentleman's cane almost makes up for his moustache.

Rihanna with a Cane

Despite a lack of talent, Rihanna is made powerful by her cane.

Dr. House and Cane

Wielding a cane gave this man the ability to wield power over life, death and lupus.

Dom Deluise vs. Cane

Dom Deluise, terrified of the power of a cane.

Holmes and Watson

Holmes must have a good eye for blackmail as well, to have such a wealthy and powerful man as a lackey.

Huggy Bear and Cane

This gentleman's cane gives him power on the streets.

Charles and Cane

The future King of England demonstrates his faaaahbulous taste in canes.

 

There you have a wide, wide selection of canes, my dear readers. Of course, I have not yet touched on one major cane issue. The one issue that keeps many cane owners up at night. Is it acceptable to use an umbrella as a cane? Of course, the answer is no, so it isn’t the question that keeps cane owners up so much as the sheer audacity of these pretenders who carry an umbrella as though it were a cane. Carrying an umbrella as a cane is a clear sign of poverty. While these umbrella-walking upstarts may indeed be powerful, the fact that their cane needs to perform a useful function indicates a lack of disposable income with which to purchase items with limited purpose.

 

A pretender with a newspaper

That this gentleman requires another person to pitch in to buy a newspaper is evidence even more damning than his umbrella cane and inferior hat.

Man on an umbrella

Being able to stand on one's cane does not, contrary to commoner opinion, confer greater power. Especially if that cane is an umbrella.

John Steed with an Umbrella Cane

John Steed's dapper look is brought low by his commoner's cane and plebeian hat.

 

The conclusion is clear. The pictures craft a telling image of the power, style and class of a cane, juxtaposed with the clear minimal effort required for an umbrella cane. Both may confer power on the wielder, but one denotes class, style and wealth. The other indicates a pretender. One who wields some amount of power, but cannot turn that power into wealth and acceptance. Someone who will never become a Millionaire. Of course, this is just my analysis of the situation, but it is also the accepted view amongst Millionaires, and thus correct. It was settled, as all major world issues are, in true Millionaire fashion.

 

Cane Duel!

A duel, sir.

 

Until next time then readers, remember: Give me your money or I will beat you with my cane.

– The Millionaire

A word to my enraptured readers.

Hello holy plebeians.

Just a quick note to let you know that if you’re planning on being enraptured this weekend, there’s no greater cause for those left behind than to support a Millionaire. You won’t be needing your worldly goods where you’re going, so please spare a thought for one prospective Millionaire who will be left behind and donate at least a part of your wealth to my cause.

Remember, just because you’re in a better place doesn’t mean I have to suffer through hell on earth without a million dollars. I could be laughing and living the high life back here, while you’re laughing and living the high life in heaven. And hey, while I’m not a real charity, maybe this is your last chance to get in on the rapture by letting your creator know that you’re a charitable person, willing to make someone else’s life better.

As one last request, please remember to disrobe before being taken to heaven. My diminutive manservant Rodney doesn’t need to be wasting his time picking your belongings off the ground when he could be waiting on my every request. It’s an uncluttered planet, let’s keep it that way.

Enjoy your trip to heaven and remember, while you can’t take it with you, I can keep it here.

– The Millionaire

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A Naming System

Greetings Peons.

It is I, your Millionaire, with you once again to quickly discuss the last topic of conversation. I’ve decided after some community consultation that the best way to proceed is to allow you to have some level of input on the naming of my brand new Top Hat. To that end, I’ve created a Facebook poll. Some of the suggestions that I’ve seen thus far have been added to it, though anyone is welcome to add further options and promote them. The winning option will become the name of the hat at the moment that I complete my Million Dollar Goal, and the winner will be announced on this website, and presumably other websites.

I myself will not be announcing it, for at that point I will have a personal assistant doing such things for me. I will be a Millionaire.

So, to recap, here’s the steps you need to follow to get the privilege of naming my hat:

  1. Have the option you came up with in the Facebook poll (Either by having already said it, or adding it yourself.)
  2. Have the best option, or otherwise bribe/cajole people into voting for it.
  3. Ensure that I reach my Million Dollar Goal by making sure that people contribute.

By way of announcement, I’d like to also declare that until such time as I am a Millionaire and have declared a winner of this poll, my top hat shall be known as……….

 

 

*drumroll*

*excitement*

*tension*

*nervousness*

Hat.

 

 

Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen. Not only am I a Millionaire, but I may be the most creative individual on the planet. Remember folks, to name the hat, I must be a Millionaire, so get your friends to contribute! Don’t forget to lead by example! I’m also seeking past contributors to restart the contributor interviews once again, so if you’ve contributed and would like to be interviewed here, send me an e-mail at millionaire@chipinmillionaire.com!

If you’d like to vote in the poll, or add an option of your own, you can find it here.

– The Millionaire

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Another Milestone

Greetings lowborn.

I, your Millionaire, have today passed a milestone. No, it’s not a donations based milestone (Since I haven’t had a donation in over 6 months now, seriously, what is wrong with you people?), but in fact, another footstep on my Millionaire journey. Yes folks, that’s right. I arrived at home today to find a box waiting on my doorstep. Not just any box, but one containing this:

The Millionaire's New Hat

Pictured: One permanent invitation to Millionaire parties

That’s right my friends faithful readers, every Millionaire post from this day forth will be written by a man wearing a top hat. As well they should be. Only one thing remains to do, and that is give the hat a name. So, I put this question to you my readers. How shall this hat be named, if indeed it is to be named at all?

As you’re answering, don’t forget to donate your small change!

– The Millionaire

 

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(Allegedly) Keeping the Rabble Down.

Greetings Rabble.

Just a brief check in this time as I continue with my incredible many-part epic, which I hope shall be drawn to a conclusion soon. Today, I wish to share with you the tale of a Millionaire who knows how to get things achieved. This man knows that in order to stay in our rightful place at the top of the food chain, we Millionaires need to ensure that the poor stay poor. Of course, the best way to ensure that the poor stay poor is to steal their money.

You see, the Millionaire in question, Mr. Robert Ludwig, allegedly came across an interesting thing. He allegedly found a credit card in a parking lot, belonging to Harrun Majeed, a military veteran and student. Of course, the most logical thing for any Millionaire is to ensure that the credit system which keeps the rabble in check is maintained, and to ensure that poor people owe as much money as possible. Knowing this, Mr. Ludwig allegedly proceeded to charge his Pizza to Mr. Majeed’s credit card, ensuring that our dominance over the finances of the world can continue unabated.

Understandably, as a superior human being, with wealth in excess of three million dollars, Mr. Ludwig was allegedly willing to support the cause of his fellow Millionaires, and allegedly ensure that Mr. Majeed allegedly bore the cost of his allegedly $40.64 dinner allegedly bill. Of course, this martyr for the cause was allegedly taken in by the blue collar officers of the law, and allegedly being a man of means from out of town, was allegedly treated with great disrespect for his alleged station. Mr. Ludwig, you are a hero to all of us.

A Pizza fit for a Millionaire

Well worth the jail time.

Ultimately, while I can allegedly applaud this man for allegedly supporting the cause of Millionaires everywhere, there’s one thing that a Millionaire should never lower himself to. Pretending to be a poor person.

Remember, until next time, your spare change is my Million Dollars. Chip a dollar or two in today!

– The Millionaire

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